Already different

Everyone says that pregnancy changes you, that motherhood changes you. But this journey also changes you.

They say you’ll never have the same worldview, that time passes faster, heartbreaks are deeper, and tiny joys are more meaningful. That once you’re there, you’ll never go back. That you may not even feel like yourself anymore–at least not the same version. 

And I don’t.

I’ve already had a part of my brain taken up for a year with what ifs, physical changes, emotional highs and lows, hopes and disappointments. I’ve already given my body up for the promise of what we truly want. This is already a new identity that has, quite frankly, been hard for me to take on.

I’ve been trying to play it cool, to live life, but I’d be lying to say it hasn’t been grueling. Regrets of not starting this process earlier are quickly brushed away at the realization that this process was coming no matter when I chose to start it. I’m glad we got to be blissfully unaware amid other big life changes. 

Before we get to be “Mom”, we’re have to be a woman going through fertility treatment. Hushed whispers of, Are they trying? Are they having trouble getting pregnant? surround the women brave enough to share the struggle with others, trying to get ahead of the skepticism and misunderstanding. Shouldn’t they just go straight to IVF? Are they worried about cost? Is it him, or is it her?

A good friend told me it’s okay to be open, but it’s not necessary to wear my Ambassador Barbie sash 24/7. Sometimes, you won’t feel like talking about it. Sometimes, the negativity within can’t go through the filter of optimism and hope anymore before it comes out. And people don’t know how to handle that.

I envy those who don’t take on this second full-time job of trying to get pregnant. Calendar blocks, canceled plans, an honorary academic degree in the science of reproduction. But I also know women as a whole are disadvantaged in education surrounding pregnancy. My friends with kids don’t understand half the appointments I have, even though the bodily processes I describe are exactly how they became mothers.

I’m already changed, and there’s no going back.

I don’t know what the future holds, but past me is a distant memory.

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First of May